The Complete Guide to Overcoming Your Shyness
In our first article, we discussed the nature of shyness and its symptoms. In the second article, we described the faulty thinking that leads to self-consciousness and anxiety, which in turn stimulates the timid feelings and the desire to avoid socializing.Today we'll take the points we have done so far, and connect them with action steps based on cognitive behavioral therapy. Keep in mind that it took years for you to develop your faulty thinking about socializing, so it will take some time to transform this habitual, familiar state of mind. Do not expect success overnight. As you implement these tips into your life, slowly but surely, you will find yourself becoming less and less shy.
Building the Foundation
Start with the easy stuff: hygiene and dressing well.
Self awareness leads to shyness, and the best way to begin to mitigate this self-consciousness is by practicing good hygiene and dress well - no need cognitive re-framing. shy people have enough to feel anxious regardless if people are watching their acne or a stain on their shirt. It is easy to dismiss such things as trivial or superficial, but you really be surprised by how much more confident you will be when you feel like you look good. You behave differently in your interactions and be more inclined to engage in conversations with those you meet. Visit our extended style section to begin to feel more confident in how you dress.
Strengthen genuine confidence by mastering.
Another indirect way to reduce your social anxiety is to build your confidence through your mastery of certain subjects or skills. Often, shyness stems from a feeling of not having something of value to offer people. Being an expert in one area contributes to calm the insecurity and makes you feel more confident.
Boost your resilience.
Shy people are not elastic face to a perceived social threat. Awkward social interactions can really shake their confidence and torpedo.
Strengthen your overall resilience will give you mental toolbox you need to bounce back quickly setbacks - whether social or otherwise. We wrote a long series several years ago to become more resilient. If you want all the content in one place, see our ebook versions. You will find tactics on how to stop catastrophizing and avoid the mentality "me / always /" anything that reinforces the misconception that socialization is stressful and threatening.
Develop the Mindset right
young couple having drink at crowded soda fountain
Understand that shyness is normal.
One of the things that makes overcoming shyness seems so difficult is that shy people often think it is a problem that few others experience. What makes them able to think that there is something fundamentally wrong with them. The reality is that most people know the time of shyness to time throughout their lives. Even many public figures are shy, but they have learned to manage it successfully. If they can do it, you can too. Understanding that shyness is common and more importantly, often overcome the problem starts to look a lot less debilitating.
Repeat after me: socially difficult times are not threats to survival.
Social anxiety has deep roots; our primordial past, belonging to a group was essential to survival. Social anxiety is how to ensure that we do what we must do to stay with the pack of nature. Although today we live in a pretty safe environment and not have to worry about dying if we are not part of a social group, our brains continue to gin up massive amounts of stress and anxiety the specter of being rejected.
How do you overcome this primal instinct that is out of sync with our modern environment?
A clue can be found watching another Overly protective impulses of our brain. The researchers found that when we exercise, our brain says we are exhausted, even when our bodies actually have more to give; he does it because his primitive side is worried about our survival and keep our physiological fuel. The pain of a hard drive is not "real" in the sense of it indicating that you really can not go; you just triggered an essential stop valve that can be pushed through. Studies have shown that survival trend holds us more effort can be overcome by talking to ourselves that we do - constantly repeating mantras like "I feel good."
The same principle applies to solve the problem of your brain an overreaction to the threat of social rejection. Anxiety is not "real" in the sense that you are actually in danger of something life threatening afflict you. There is a sense generated by a group of neurons. That's all.
If you make a bad first impression with a group of guys, what's the worst that could happen? Sure, they might think you're weird or some sort of glitter, but what? Are you going to die because of it? Unless you're in a Mexican prison, probably not. If a woman rejects your date of supply, which is the worst that could happen? Are you doomed to be a genetic dead end? There are many other women, you can seek out and with whom you can eventually start a happy and fulfilling relationship. You are not worse than you were before, other than what you allow yourself to feel the meeting.
So if you feel stressed before, during or after a social interaction, always remember that these difficult times are not threats to survival. When you start to feel these feelings, shy anxious, keep repeating to yourself: "All is well My brain thinks it's 10,000 BC and is an overreaction I'm not in danger in the.. savannah. I'm not in danger in the bush. "
Decide it's okay if some people do not like you (you do not like some people, after all!).
Part of anxiety and self-consciousness that results from the socialization of the springs that we want everyone like us. If someone does not seem to dig our vibe, it can be overwhelming, or at least unwelcome. "Why does not he think I'm cool" You begin to feel that there is something inherently wrong with you But no one is universally loved;. Celebrities, even popular "? Nice guy" as Jimmy Fallon or Tom Hanks have their enemies. and that's okay! The personality of each jibes with different people. Your personality is not simply to align with people. Remember, there are people you do not like too! and you probably do not generate terrible thoughts about them either, but simply that, "it's just not my kind of person." so do not take it personally if others do not seem to you .
Field-Test Your Skills
Start small.
A common approach will shy people overcome their anxiety is to take on some big social challenge like going to the mixer one or walk up to a woman model-esque and a conversation. The problem with this approach is that if you fail to socialize smoothly, you just build the story in your head that you're shy and awkward, you can not change, the threat socialization, and that the only way to get rid of these feelings is threatening avoid socializing altogether.
Success breeds success when overcoming shyness. The more you do you successfully manage your anxiety over your story about yourself will change. So put yourself in a position to have as much success as soon as possible. Instead of setting big goals, define small that seem less threatening.
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The laws Unclassified Etiquette
First, simply work to make more eye contact with people. When the cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, his look in the eye when you say yes.
Then work on one question to people you agree with the passage of interactions. When you get your coffee every day, ask your barista how his day is going. If you need help finding something in a store, ask a clerk for help. After a college class, ask your teacher to expand on something he addressed in the conference.
Then try to engage people with back and forth questions and get a short conversation.
Give your small, daily social interactions as small experiments. See what happens when you engage people socially rather than simply avoid them. You might be surprised to learn that socialization is not so scary after all, and will not lead to existential annihilation.
I can not even start small? Try a cold shower ...?
What if you can not even get you to make eye contact with people? Well, you know it's not a matter of physical ability - you can do, you can not make you do it. Thus, the problem is deeper than shyness. It is a question of courage - the ability of your will to overcome fear is to be developed.
To strengthen his will, I recommend you actually start physical challenges rather than social. I believe that physical courage strengthens emotional courage more than the reverse. Our physical needs have always been the most important for our survival; as such, they represent the seat of our strongest players and our greatest fears. If you can tame your tendency to run from the physical pain, you can work your way up the hierarchy of needs and to conquer your fear of emotional pain.
So if you have severe shyness, and can not even begin to look people in the eye, my unorthodox advice would be to first do strenuous physical prowess regular part of your life. Do HIIT workouts at least twice a week. Take cold showers a few times a week. Take long-distance running. Become comfortable physical discomfort will not automatically make you comfortable with socializing, but it will build your confidence and create a basis for the belief that your will is capable of bossing your fearful mind.
But if you can not cause you to enter either a cold shower? There is no easy answer. As Yoda wisely said, "make it or not. There is no try. "You have to reach a point where you just take a deep breath and jump in. Almost all the good things in life, our physical health to our social prowess, is based on the ability to put the fear of immediacy and discomfort for a long-term reward. Strengthen your will is the prerequisite for all other progress.